UnderCover Waitress: Jury Duty: Subpenises and Other Goods Inside

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Jury Duty: Subpenises and Other Goods Inside

Today I am thrilled to feature a guest post by Musings on Tap: Subpenises and Other Goods Inside.

Of course, I can not publish without mentioning the importance of jury duty. What remains of our legal system would crumble completely if good citizens did not do their duty and let criminals like O.J. Simpson go free.

That being said, if you work at a low-wage job with no benefits (waitress, anyone?) then you can not afford to take the time away from work...

Jury duty blows. Hard. Yes, that is a sentence. The remaining elements of the English sentence structure are understood. De was recently summoned for jury duty and after an eternity and a fortnight, De was filtered out, thereby relieving him of his civil duty. To relieve yourself of your civil duty, DeMi commands you to obey the following:

Bring own gavel, you know what to do

Talk like batman, costume optional, don't wear hockey pants

Shout "GUILTY!" at your leisure.

Ask with quiet anticipation if you are early for the executions

Answer judge's question with "Judge not, that ye be not judged.
 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again"

I like this biblical trend. if the former words of wisdom don't get you declared "incompetent to serve" try the classic "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

"Ey um judge, can I have yo numba? Can I have it?"

Finish the judge's sentences......this shouldn't be hard, the dudes clearly.. GUILTY! (see above).

Say you do not have a criminal record but that you absolutely should.

Tell them you have served as a volunteer judge on many occasion (state fair, science fair, wet t-shirt contests) and as a judge you know what it feels like to have people's emotions on the line.

When the appropriate time to speak is upon you, ask the court if there is anyone who has not accepted our Lord Jesus as their personal savior, and if permitted, attempt to lead the room in prayer.

Wear headgear.

Talk like the movie preview voice-over guy

You don't know who your father is and the accused fits the description.

Tell them there's a chance you're Canadian.

Complain about the incessant ringing noise in the background.
Wear a "God WestBoro Baptist Church" t-shirt.

Ask, "How would one perform a heinous crime?"

Flip through some hardcore porn whilst in the courtroom.

Inquire as to the Wi-Fi passcode for the building, and express the desire to tweet your courtroom experience.

Pronounce subpoenas, "subpenis" whenever possible.

Claim to be associated with the accused in ridiculous ways: :Your honor, my H&R Block rep has a son who went to the same school as Barbara Streisand's illegitimate son, whom I love dearly. Wait! I love Barbara Streisand. Just to be clear to the court, I do not love the little bastard, I love Barbara. Barbara Streisand.

You are welcome...........No no thank you.


  1. Well, there's a pretty good chance I'm Canadian, given my citizenship...

    I'd be inclined to go out of my way to say that I really, really hate lawyers if called for jury duty....

    1. Lol -- of course, if it were a malpractice case, you would be a shoe-in for jury duty. ;-)

    2. legal malpractice, that is. Not medical malpractice.


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